I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
