she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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