I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think I just sharted jello shots
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
