I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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