My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
