Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Mom said you looked used
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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