Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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