it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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