So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Jerry, you need to find god
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
