I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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