final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
