Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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