Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
