I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
