Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
God, I missed his penis.
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