Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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