how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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