Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
