Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize