if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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