but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
