I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
