Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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