my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
