On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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