apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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