in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
