I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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