they need to just BURY HIM!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
