Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
