The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
