guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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