he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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