Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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