someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
