I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
