Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
