i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize