Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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