I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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