he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
