I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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