Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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