Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
