Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
