Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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