Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
