Even the bartender felt bad for me
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
