hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
