Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
