are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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