never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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