Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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