He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
