I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
