I didn't shave. On purpose
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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