Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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