I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
