I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
