There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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