Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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