at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
