Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
