I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
