so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
