Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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